PURITY 101 – Seven Offense Builders

PURITY 101 – Seven Offense Builders

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

A good sexual purity strategy requires a strong defense and a strong offense. The battle for sexual purity is won on the offensive side. Today you will learn the difference between a purity defense and a purity offense and get some practical action points on building your offense. 

Defense keeps the bad stuff out (or at least slows it down). It keeps you from being overrun by triggers, temptations and attacks of the Enemy. Defense eliminates obstacles to purity, positions roadblocks, and sets up hurdles. Defense manages the external so that you can focus on the internal. 

Offense brings in the good stuff. It pursues healthy people, places and things. It makes forward progress. Offense is actively seeking to heal, grow, build, strengthen, and stretch. Do whatever you can to “beef up” your offense.

Here are seven areas you can work on that will help you build your offense. I have given you a few examples under each one to get you thinking. Take some time under each action point to write out ways you can build your offense.

SEVEN OFFENSE BUILDERS

  1. Relationships – Start and Strengthen Them – Build your existing relationships with your friends, your support team and your spouse. Do more with the people you know who are helpful, encouraging, supportive, and loving. If you don’t have many friends, you need to take some intentional steps to make new friends. Consider reaching out to church members, small group members, schoolmates, and even family members and neighbors.
  1. Healing – Find People to Help You – Our hearts need God’s healing. We all have been hurt so badly in our past that it led to damage. Our wounds might be deep anger, disappointment, resentment, negative messages, grief or abuse. Deeper healing helps us grow stronger on the inside. You might find facing the pain with a counselor, minister or someone who has found healing from sexual struggles to be therapeutic.
  1. Spiritual Life – Feed it – Work on your relationship with God. You need His power to help you. Schedule Bible reading and prayer time with Him. Go places that encourage you to learn more about God. This is where church, small groups, men and women’s ministries and Bible-based conferences can help you in your spiritual growth.
  1. Serve, Volunteer and Mentor – Look for Opportunities – One of the best ways to get your focus off of yourself is to start helping others. You’re not a purity expert yet, but you can share your story. Your story is powerful and so is your life. Share your life with others. Volunteer through your church or a non-profit organization. When you are giving of yourself and loving, it is impossible to be selfish and consuming. Reversing the flow from selfish to serving will have a huge effect on your sexual health.
  1. Mind and Heart – Challenge It – Take your mind and heart to places they’ve never been before. Look for a book that will stretch you. Start writing in a journal or on a blog that will stretch your mind. Your heart is challenged as you open it to new people and new experiences. It might mean going on a trip with your kids and doing something special for them. Maybe participating in a marriage conference is something additional that you and your spouse could consider signing up for.
  1. Faith – Challenge It – What are you doing that requires you to walk by faith? It must be something that is impossible for you in your efforts and resources. What is impossible for us is possible with God. Your faith decision might be a giving decision that stretches you. It might be signing up for a mission trip. It might be sponsoring a child. It might be starting a new job. When we go through life by faith, we are forced to rely on God. Your faith will be challenged many times as you seek to be sexually pure. You have to learn to lean on Him for the strength. What I’m asking you to do is intentionally choose something that will challenge you to depend solely on Him.
  1. Creativity and Passion – Express It. – You are a passionate, creative person. God made you that way. You have spent a lot of your time, energy, passion, creativity and money on lustful habits. You need to find healthy places for that energy. Take up a hobby. Build something. Create and innovate. Learning to steer yourself in healthy directions when you feel like giving into sinful desires is a huge step. You have to learn to think differently with your creativity.

Can you see how building your offense will help you? When you feel tempted and triggered to sin sexually, you will have a lot of healthy alternatives to pour yourself into. You will learn to find greater fulfillment in relationships, creativity, and work projects than you would with pornography. You will also learn that when your spirit, heart and mind are stretched with new challenges, God will fill you with His strength. Your resistance to sexual sin will grow. Internally you will get stronger. And you will find it easier to be pure and stay pure.

PURITY 101 – How to Say “No” to Ungodliness

PURITY 101 – How to Say “No” to Ungodliness

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

 

Saying no flies in the face of the sexual struggler. As a struggler, you have a long history of doing whatever you want to and pursuing whatever you desire. You have practiced saying yes to:

  • Indulging in your fleshly desires
  • Going to whatever sites you want to on the Internet
  • Lusting after anyone you’re attracted to and fantasizing about them
  • Viewing whatever shows you want on TV and in the movies
  • Doing whatever you want with your body

The spirit of God changes everything. He gives us a newfound ability to say no and calls us to a life of self-control. Here is Paul talking to Titus: 

“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age,” Titus 2:11-12

Peter says it as well: 

“I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul.” I Peter 2:11

Jesus tells us to say No in the form of denial: 

“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” Mark 8:34

  1.  Saying no begins with a relationship with Jesus. – You do not have the power within yourself to say no to sexual sin for the long-term. Eventually, your strength will run out and you will fail. Only Jesus can give you the ability to say no. You need to make sure you are connected to Him. Make sure you’re connected to the power source that can help you say no.

    Action Step: Make sure you have a relationship with Jesus.

  2. Small “No’s” lead to bigger “No’s.” – As you practice saying no, you will get better at it. You start with what’s in front of you. Build your defense. Set up roadblocks. Set up good rules and boundaries. Say no to the bad things that are in front of you right now. They will prepare you for the bigger battles down the road. The guy new to the gym starts with the 10 lb. weights before he can move up to the 50 lb. weights.
  3. You must say no 1000 times. – Long-term purity builds up over time as you practice saying no. You need to practice consistently. Every time you say no to ungodliness you take another small step forward on God’s path toward sexual purity. Say no and repeat. Wash, rinse and repeat, right?
  4.  Saying no means sacrifice. – It hurts to deny myself. It hurts to say no, especially if I am used to getting what I want. There is always sacrifice with self-discipline. I choose to say no now, so I can say yes to something greater.

I’m sure you didn’t pick up this book expecting me to tell you to suffer. You wanted a 21-day solution to your sexual struggles and you wanted it to be easy. I wish it were easy. I wish there was a pathway to sexual purity that didn’t involve pain, challenge and suffering.

You won’t be able to get stronger, become more efficient or build endurance without suffering. Think about the body builder. He shows up for his workouts religiously. He works his muscle groups by challenging them and pushing them to the point of fatigue. Then he rests, rehydrates, downs a whey powder banana shake and goes after it again. He does the hard work, but he’s got a bigger goal in mind.

Saying no to short-term pleasure gives you the opportunity to say yes to long-term fulfillment.

Let’s talk about God’s greater plan. 

PRACTICE SAYING YES TO GOD’S GREATER PLAN

Saying no and denying self gets easier when you have a larger goal in mind. The bodybuilder thinks about his future physique. A runner thinks about finishing his race with a great time. The dieter thinks about fitting into a smaller pant or dress size.

Sexual purity brings a payoff for you. You will be healthy, whole, and not controlled by your urges. Purity will affect you emotionally, mentally, physically, and most importantly, spiritually.

Sexual purity brings a payoff in your relationships. You will be able to give more of yourself to your family, friends and others. You will be able to understand what true intimacy in your relationships look like. You will learn to respect and value others.

Sexual purity brings a payoff for the Kingdom of God. You will not have a divided heart. You will be able to serve God with integrity. Your sexuality, emotions, relationships and thought life will honor Him.

If you can get a glimpse of His greatness, His grace, His love and His plan for you, it will help you say no. The more you know God, the more you’ll come to understand that the rewards are much bigger when you decide to live by His rules. God doesn’t ask you to deny yourself and your fleshly desires to punish you. He has a better path in mind for you. God knows that the path of our evil desires will lead to death and destruction. He wants to preserve us from that. God wants to save you from regrets and foolish decisions.

“ See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.” Deuteronomy 30:15-16

Action Step: Why are you saying yes to God? What’s the bigger picture you’re shooting for? What are your motivations? Write your reasons below.

PURITY 101 – Keep Showing Up

PURITY 101 – Keep Showing Up

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

Some people who go the gym want to get big and strong. They want to bulk up and lift heavier weights. Others want to get lean and burn fat. They want to be thinner and faster. They want to be able to do more with less. You have been given a membership to the sexual purity gym. To succeed for the long haul, you’re going to need to build strength, become efficient and develop endurance.

With strength – You will be able to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions. You will mature in your faith and purity. You will no longer act like a selfish child, but as a self-less, healthy adult instead.

With efficiency – You will be able to take the quicker path to healthy and godly passions. You will be able to do more with what you have. You will be able to maximize your creativity and energy so that you can bring God the most glory.

With endurance – You will be able to maintain sobriety longer. You will be able to withstand more challenges, pain and suffering and come out victorious. You will be able to see that God’s goals for your life are more important than the momentary pleasures that sexual sins bring you. 

CONTINUE TO SHOW UP

I think fifty percent of the purity battle is showing up.

We have a rule in our men’s purity groups that is as follows: “Good, bad or ugly, we show up.” You need to come to meetings regardless of what kind of week you’ve had. You’re not going to get better if you don’t show up consistently every week.

What do you need to show up to?

  • Support group meetings
  • Accountability meetings
  • Meetings with your counselor, coach or wise person
  • Church, Bible study or small group meetings
  • Personal time with God
  • Conversations with your spouse
  • Hangout times with friends

You need to show up to the relational appointments that are going to propel your purity journey. You might look at this list and not have any of these appointments to show up to. That’s okay. We will talk about all of them in this Jumpstart program. For now, the principle I want you to commit to is showing up. I want you to commit to showing up regardless of what struggles may come your way.

It’s easy to show up when you’re doing well. If you have had a week where your lines were not crossed and there were no major slip-ups, then showing up to an purity-meeting is not hard. It’s much harder to show up when you’ve had a lot of struggles and are feeling ashamed.

There are a lot of times when you are not going to feel like showing up. There will be times when you have a bad day. Those are the days where you will receive the greatest benefit from showing up. If you can learn to show up when it’s not easy, God will continue to strengthen you on your journey and honor your efforts. 

Action Step: Make a commitment to yourself and to God that you will show up whether things are good, bad, or ugly.

PURITY 101 – Set Up Internet Boundaries and Rules

PURITY 101 – Set Up Internet Boundaries and Rules

 

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

GIVE SOMEONE ELSE THE PASSWORD – If you know the password to your filtering and accountability software, you have a loophole. Let a friend set the password. If you’re married, let your spouse be the only one who knows the password.

 

NO UNSUPERVISED INTERNET USE – This is a good step for those who cannot be trusted on the Internet. Make sure someone else is in the room when you are using your device. Another set of eyes will help you stay accountable. You may want to consider making a rule for yourself that will not allow you to get on the Internet unless someone else is there to supervise you.

 

GET RID OF THE INTERNET OR DEVICES WITH ACCESS – Extreme? You bet! If you have had major problems with the Internet and have proven yourself untrustworthy, this may be the only solution. You should not have to be off of the computer forever, but an abstinence period from the Internet could be the best thing to help you become healthier with your computer use.

 

BLACKLIST SITES – Some software gives you the ability to block specific sites that are bound to get you in trouble. If YouTube, Instagram, or a specific blog is a source of temptation, place it on a blacklist. Blacklisting

 

requires a password for some devices. If your device does not require a password, blacklisting will take discipline on your part.

 

WHITELIST SITES – Good software has a whitelist option. This blocks all sites on a device except for the ones that you have deemed permissible for you to visit. While this is an especially great tool to use for young children who have access to the computer, it can also be extremely helpful for sexual strugglers.

 

ONLY USE THE COMPUTER IN A PUBLIC PLACE – This is a good strategy for those who are either single or traveling. Go to the library. Go to an open table in a coffee shop or restaurant. Only use your computer where others can plainly see your screen.

 

STAY OFF THE COMPUTER AT VULNERABLE TIMES – This is a good rule for all who struggle. Alone times can be purity killers as well as certain times of the day. Make a commitment to your spouse or to a friend that you will not be on the computer during the following times:

 Early in the morning

 Late at night

 When you’re alone

 After your spouse has gone to bed

 

DECEPTIVE WORKAROUNDS – There are many workarounds and cheats when it comes to an Internet defense. If you work in I.T. or are well-versed with computer technology, you know many of them. Some of you see blocks and defenses as challenges. The more blocks you put up, the more determined you will be to circumvent them. If you find yourself looking for ways to get around the defense you have put in place to aid you on your journey to spiritual purity, then it shows you just how much of a heart problem you really have.

Any effort made to cover your tracks or sneak sensual content into your daily routine should be considered deceptive. If you are working with an accountability partner, you need to cover this deception with a good accountability question. Here are a few Internet actions I consider deceptive:

 Wiping your history

 Deleting your cache

 Uninstalling and reinstalling blocking software

 Trying to figure out passwords

 Workarounds

 In-app browsing

 Installing/uninstalling apps that are triggers

 Image searching

 Social media searching

 Accessing computers or networks you know are not protected

 Searching on public computers

 Going through backdoors and/or trying to find backdoors

 

Action Step: Start building the layers of defenses around your Internet devices.

 

Action Step: Figure out what rules you need to have with your Internet devices.

 

Action Step: Ask God to help you with your Internet defense:

“God, help me build a good strategy for my Internet and devices. Help me deep in my heart to want to be pure. Help me to be radical. Help me to be truthful with myself and with others about my Internet usage. Amen.”

PURITY 101 – Set Up Internet Filters

PURITY 101 – Set Up Internet Filters

 

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

You’re not going to get far on your sexual purity journey until you have a strong Internet strategy. You have to deal with your Internet interactions aggressively.

 

CONTENT FILTERS – This is the security software that prevents bad things from coming in. On practically all computers, you can go to the Internet Settings and adjust the level of security protection. However, you really need an extra level of security. There are many basic content filters available. Some people like programs such as, McAfee, Norton, AVG or Kaspersky. CNET.com is a good place to look at a list of options, some of which are free!

 

Action Step: Make sure your content filtering is up-to-date and you know how to use it.

 

ACCOUNTABILITY FILTERS – I am a big fan of accountability software. This is software that tracks all of the sites that you browse on the computer and reports them to one or more accountability partners. Accountability software is a wonderful innovation that has helped many men and women find an openness and freedom in using their devices.

 

Action Step: Try out one accountability filtering option.

 

Here are three great ones, and a commercial for my favorite:

 

Covenant Eyes – www.covenanteyes.com

X3Pure – www.x3pure.com

K9 Web Protection – http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

 

I am really fond of Covenant Eyes. Our family uses their filtering and accountability software for all of our devices. They have been a good ministry partner with us. If you use our code, PURITY, at checkout, you can get your first month for free!

 

 

PURITY 101 – Clean House

PURITY 101 – Clean House

 

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

Read this verse a few times and let its truths soak in.

“…let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” Hebrews 12:1-2

 

CHECK THE NOUNS

A great purity tip to learn is: Check the nouns. You know what a noun is. It’s a “person, place or thing.” There are people, places, and things that influence you the wrong way. You need to eliminate or minimize your contact with them.

 

Checking the nouns is a form of defense. You need to get rid of the bad people, places and things.

 

Checking the nouns will also be an offensive purity tactic. Day 6 will guide you through building your offense. You need to invest in good people, places and things.

 

Get rid of the bad, and replace it with the good. People in addiction recovery circles might say, “You need to replace bad habits and behaviors with good habits and behaviors.” This is very much a biblical principle.

 

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2

 

“ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” Ephesians 4:25

 

 

Action Step: Take inventory of the people, places, things and media that are tripping you up. Let the cleanup begin!

 

PEOPLE

 People you have been sexual with

 Old girlfriends/old boyfriends

 Current girlfriend/current boyfriend

 Flirty people

 Chat rooms

 Email addresses

 Social media contacts

 Secret email accounts/Secret PO Box

 Secret bank account

 Other ________________________

 

PLACES

 Movie theater

 Porn shops

 Strip clubs

 Beach/Swimming Pools

 Casinos

 Concerts

 Restaurants/Bars/Hangouts

 Other ________________________

 

THINGS

 Magazines

 Catalogues

 Newspapers

 Mail outs/Flyers

 Clothing around the house

 Sex toys

 Alcohol

 Other ________________________

MEDIA

 Phone

 Tablet

 Work Computer

 Home Computer

 Radio/Satellite Radio

 TV/Cable/Satellite/DVR

 DVDS/Blu Rays/Rentals

 Netflix/ Hulu/Amazon Prime

 Flash Drives

 Apps on your phone

 Podcasts

 Music

 Other ________________________

 


 

PURITY 101 – Build a Good Defense

PURITY 101 – Build a Good Defense

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

The quickest way to get results in your sexual purity journey is to build a good defense.

A good Defense creates a barrier between you and the people, places and things that challenge your purity.

To understand defense: eliminate, block, and slow down.

Eliminate Access – A complete cutting off of your access to the source.

Examples: Cut your internet, change from a smart phone to a dumb phone, cut cable, break off a relationship, delete your social media account

Block Access – Obstacles that prevent you and the source from getting together. Roadblocks.

Examples: Internet filters, password protect your computer, carry no cash, block television channels, “unfollow” a person or groups on social media

Slow Down Access – Obstacles that slow you down from getting connected with the source. Some call them hurdles. My accountability partner, Tom, calls these “speed bumps”.

Examples: Shut down your laptop at night, leave your tablet in another room, take a different route home, change seats at a restaurant

Your sexual purity defense should do the same things:

  1. Prevent the source of struggle from getting to you
  2. Give you breathing room to work your offense (talked about in Day 6)

You want to get points on the scoreboard when it comes to your sexual purity journey. You want to advance, you want to grow and you want to win. You will win by having a good offense, but first, you have to strengthen your defense.

Action Steps – Work on your defense today. Write down what you need to do to build up a good blockade.

Q: What sources trip you up the most?

Q: What steps do you need to take to:

Eliminate Access –

Block Access –

Slow Down Access –

 

Top Verses For Sexual Purity – Ephesians 5:3 “Not Even a Hint”

One of our best audio resources is called Top Verses For Sexual Purity.  These are audio podcast episodes on bible verses that help you focus on sexual purity or some aspect of recovery.  This resource will help you rebuild your spiritual life, find God again in your journey, or make you even stronger for the battle.

LISTEN TO AN EPISODE
Ephesians 5:3 “Not Even a Hint” (click below)

BUY THE WHOLE SEASON OF 52 SHOWS
If you like what you hear, get all the episodes for a $20 donation to our ministry.  This resource includes interviews, and Jeff’s reflections, tips and action points on over 45 verses.

$20.00 Add to Cart

 

Purity 101 – The Most Important Step

PURITY 101 – THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP

You’re desire to be sexual purity is great!  It comes from the heart of God.  It shows your desire to live your life to a different standard than the world lives.

But purity is hard isn’t it?

Our Purity 101 series is a review of the basics.  Some of these tips and principles will be new.  Others will be ones you’ve heard over and over again.  It’s always valuable to review the basics to make sure you are still doing them.  But I would add, it’s important that you learn to MASTER the basics so they become a regular, seasoned part of your life.

All of these 101 tips come from chapters in my book 21-Day Purity Jumpstart.  It is the foundational book for our ministry.

COME OUT OF ISOLATION

This is the most important 101 step for a sexual struggler.  You need to be talking to others about your struggles.  Why?

  1. Sexual sin is much stronger than you.
  2. God’s Word calls you to community with others
  3. You are hard-wired for relationships by God’s design
  4. Sexual purity is a discipleship process

Don’t think for a second that you can do your sexual purity alone!  Your inward nature fights you.  Your mind fights you.  The culture fights you.  And the Devil, the chief enemy of God fights you.

ACTION STEPS / QUESTIONS

  1. Find someone safe to share your struggles with today.  Do it.  Come out of isolation.
  2. Who do you have in your life right now that you consider a safe person?
  3. Who do you need to set up an appointment with (counselor, minister, small group leader…)?

Our ministry is here for you.  jeff@puritycoaching.com might be the starting block you need.